Email to Hank
May. 2nd, 2005 08:29 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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From: [smallred]
Dear Hank,
I've managed to get both of us off-duty this Thursday night by dint of cajoling and bribery. I know it's been a bad week, but perhaps that makes it even more important that we do this now - if we can't manage to arrange our schedules enough to actually date, then this isn't going to be a very exciting... um, yes. That.
I'm sorry if I've been a bit gun shy since last week. A combination of things - not wanting to hurt Kurt more than I already have, being insanely busy setting up this consultancy with Fred and trying to get Jay to see the sense in talking to someone about what happened and trying to give the local PD a kick in the ass. Plus there was me trying to sort out some things.
I'm not exactly a sharing sort when it comes to certain feelings - this will have to change, I know, but at the moment? I'm actually sort of terrified. Scared I'll screw up somehow and lose not one friend but two. Worried that once you get to know me better, you'll realise maybe I'm not the person you wanted after all. I'm not going to let the fear rule me, but I just needed some time to stuff it in one of those metaphorical closets in the back of my mind, and hope it stays put for a while.
So, in a roundabout day, how about that date for Thursday night?
Maddie.
From: [smallred]
Dear Hank,
I've managed to get both of us off-duty this Thursday night by dint of cajoling and bribery. I know it's been a bad week, but perhaps that makes it even more important that we do this now - if we can't manage to arrange our schedules enough to actually date, then this isn't going to be a very exciting... um, yes. That.
I'm sorry if I've been a bit gun shy since last week. A combination of things - not wanting to hurt Kurt more than I already have, being insanely busy setting up this consultancy with Fred and trying to get Jay to see the sense in talking to someone about what happened and trying to give the local PD a kick in the ass. Plus there was me trying to sort out some things.
I'm not exactly a sharing sort when it comes to certain feelings - this will have to change, I know, but at the moment? I'm actually sort of terrified. Scared I'll screw up somehow and lose not one friend but two. Worried that once you get to know me better, you'll realise maybe I'm not the person you wanted after all. I'm not going to let the fear rule me, but I just needed some time to stuff it in one of those metaphorical closets in the back of my mind, and hope it stays put for a while.
So, in a roundabout day, how about that date for Thursday night?
Maddie.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-02 01:01 pm (UTC)From: [bigbluedoofus]
Thursday night would be wonderful. Is there anything in particular you'd like to do? Something utterly innocuous like dinner and a movie, maybe? (I hear normal dates are fun. So rumour has it) And if we give a little attention to keeping our exit surreptitious, nobody need ever know. I don't want to hurt Kurt either, and keeping things quiet for now might be a good idea.
I was, I admit, getting a little worried, but only because I tend to expect these things to go wrong. (I worked myself into a good fit of the What Ifs last night, about you and one or two other things that I shouldn't have been worrying over either, thus the 'doofus' appellation) Like you, I'll need time to beat back that instinctive terror that Something Will Go Wrong... after all, it always has until now. But I hope that this time it won't. I will do everything I can to ensure that it doesn't, including eschewing the flowery compliments and grand romantic gestures for now. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable in any way.
And... well, perhaps it will be good for me. As you know, I'm prone to hiding my real feelings behind a facade of banter and facile compliments. I will do my best not to do so with you... if this is to work out, we'll both have to let a few defenses down.
In a roundabout way... I'd love to. Will you drive my car or will I?
Hank
PS: Unless you make a habit of... no, I'm really going to try not to banter my way out of things. I find it very difficult to believe that there is anything that could make me realize that you're not the person I want. Because you are, in more ways than I can enumerate.
Subject: It's a date then.
Date: 2005-05-02 01:15 pm (UTC)From: [left you hanging]
Dinner and a movie was exactly what I had in mind. Hitchiker's Guide to satisfy the geek in both of us? I adored those books in high school. And while I think a certain degree of tact is needed, I don't think we should go overboard either - moderation in all things, hon. Except choclate and coffee, of course. ;)
I could kick myself right now for not saying anything earlier - I should have known you'd be concerned about the sudden apparent backpedalling. It's been forever since I've had to juggle work and a personal life, especially when that personal life is the Big Scary, so I guess it was easy to slip into work mode for the week, convincing myself I could pick things up once that was done. It won't happen again - you're more important than that, and I'd like to give this every chance of working.
No compliments at all? *pouts* The grand romantic gestures would tend to be a bit overwhelming, yes, but I'll miss the banter if it goes away entirely. How about a deal? When it's important, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No you hiding your emotions behind the banter, and no me doing that compartmentalising thing I do so well. We tell each other what we mean - a lot of the mess with Kurt and the rest could have been avoided if we'd done that from the start, I think.
Since I'm asking you out, I get to drive, yes? *grins* But I promise not to make you put out in exchange. ;)
Maddie.
PS: I'm glad you think so, Hank. It's just... sometimes there are things about ourselves that surprise and disturb even us. I'd hate for mine to come between us.
Re: Subject: It's a date then.
Date: 2005-05-02 01:32 pm (UTC)From: [Hopefullycutedoofus]
Hitchikers's Guide it is! I loved the books myself... well, the first few. The Extended Trilogy dribbled off a bit towards the end, I felt. And I still say sneaking out is a good idea, if we don't want to trigger off a rash of student speculation in the journals.
No kicking is required... we have both been busy, and had something entirely different not set off a bout of the Insecures, I wouldn't have worried about it. And I, too, am quite unaccustomed to juggling work and romance.... and in a couple of months, I hope, I'll be juggling romance, work, and fatherhood. Which is a terrifying as well an exhilirating prospect.
Well... a few compliments. But sincere ones, not too exaggerated. And there'll still be banter, just... not about Us, if you'll excuse the random capitalization. Which won't be easy, since my feelings are the things I tend to be most zealously protective of, but... you are worth it. Entirely so. I only wish I'd had the courage to tell you sooner how much I care.
You get to drive, and I'll have you know I never do that on the first date. Well, hardly ever. ;)
Hank
PS: We both have darker sides... everyone does. I know there are things about me that I wish you didn't have to know (including the fact that I'm a big insecure doofus), but I think we can both handle it, if we try.